To My Friend Who "Can't Wait to Have Kids"

Dear friend,

I love how excited you are about wanting to have kids. I know that seeing my angelic being of a child is enough to make you think that upon having your first kid you will be in for sunshine, rainbows, and a lifetime of happiness. But believe me when I tell you, that once you have your first child, your life is going to change. Forever.

Right now you are living in a land long forgotten to many moms. A land of independence and freedom that you will NEVER again get to experience post-baby. Your heart may feel somewhat of a deep connection with your hubby, depending on the day. But you are about to enter dangerous territory. I'm talking metaphorically cutting your heart out and letting it grow and live outside of your body.

Here's a few things that you don't realize you're in for when you say, "I can't wait to have kids!"

1. You will never sleep in again. Even on the weekends. 

Your child is born with an innate ability to take sleep from you at all costs. When they are newborn they will need you all night. Your recovery rest will be interrupted every two hours with coos, squeals, and cries for food. Maybe even a turd or two. As they grow, they will invent ways to prolong their bedtime, thus shortening the amount of time you are able to relax and sleep.

Some of these ways include:

• Asking for food or drink when they are in no way thirsty or hungry. 
• Suddenly developing of love of fine literature and seeking a bedtime cultural reading lasting at least a half an hour. 
• Taking advantage of your mother's heart with never-ending bedtime routines involving questions and secret kiss routines. 
• The need to tell you every detail of their day or fear that they may have even though they are normally quiet and won't talk to you during the day. 

On the rare occasion that they sleep somewhere else for the night, your internal clock will wake you up anyways. Thanks nature.


     2.  Get ready to take a good, hard look at yourself. 

Not only is this bundle of joy going to grow to resemble you physically, but he or she will without a doubt develop your bad habits and attitude problem. You slam things. They will slam things.

Basically, you can never mess up again because they are always watching you. Learning. Morphing. Changing. Copying.

You will also lose any and all physical dignity as they sneak in and watch you showering, peeing, pooping and sleeping. Your bundle of joy will come equipped with a humbling device as they point out any and all of your physical flaws. If your clothes don't fit, they will tell you. If you look like butt, they will tell you. In public.


   3. Brace yourself for awkward conversations. 

Try explaining to your child that there are creepy people out there who want to take them away from mommy and daddy and will try to trick them with ice cream. Nothing makes you hate humanity more than having to explain all of it's evils to an inquisitive child. You will also be responsible for having "the talk" and a host of other uncomfortable and sometimes difficult conversations with your kids such topics including but not limited to:

• Anatomy
• Care of said anatomy.
• Detailed lessons on wiping.
• Where babies come from, of course.
• When they ask in public why a person is so fat, or bald, or has an eye patch.

And their math homework will sometimes make you feel stupid.


     4. Enjoying the company of other parents.

Occasionally you will meet one of "those" parents. The ones that will think their kid is better than yours when they clearly are not. Sometimes they will give off that impression, or question your beliefs or parenting styles. They will explain how the way they parent is clearly superior. If you're lucky they will go on and on about their children's many accomplishments and activities, thus making you question whether you actually are a good parent or just a piece of crap who is failing their child in every way.


     5. Kiss your free time goodbye

When your kid wants to spend time with you, they will get what they want, or die inside. Your choice. You will always and forever experience guilt when they aren't in your presence. Unless they are somewhere fun, like Disney World. Your child will plunk their butt on your lap no matter what you're doing and will stick their fingers under the bathroom door when you are taking a poop. They will also want to go with you. Everywhere. And you will feel guilty if you leave them. Hopefully your child will behave in public or you get to deal with begging for cereal, asking for toys, and general temper tantrums in the grocery store. People will stare. They will not be kind.

But for all of the ways your life will change and become more complicated, it will also get more beautiful and more filled with love than you will ever imagine. You will grow in so many ways, and i can't wait to share the journey with you!