Guilty Mom Sneaking

This morning, I come to you guilty.

Do you see that little face up there? That scowling, adorable face? I took this picture down in Miami at a restaurant called Catch of the Day. This is the look I get a lot when I want his picture.

As I was saying, that scowling face and child calls me mom. I am his whole world. With the exception of the pieces he hasn't given to his daddy, sports and Minecraft. Anyone who knows anything about me knows how much I love my son. And this morning,
I snuck away from him.

I used every ounce of ninja-like skill I could muster to carry this semi-athletic frame down 24 or so stairs without making a single squeak. Why did I do that you ask?

Because I was thinking about ME.

My favorite person. 

It's the same reason I fussed at him last night for calling me so much. Or grunted as he picked up my phone to check his "clan" on Clash of Clans (thanks Sienna). It's the reason I seethe sometimes when he calls me to play outside and when I say I'm "working" he responds, "no you're not. You're playing on the computer."

This child doesn't get that I am a woman. I need me time. I need my time to do things, for me.

But even though I need "me" time, this I won't deny, there is something that goes wrong when I infringe on what Carter sees as "his" time and try to make it mine.

I see it in his eyes. I feel the pull in my heart. I hear the basketball bouncing and look outside to see him all alone, or I see him sitting on the couch playing video games. Every now and then, his preciousness will waken me from my selfish slumber and I drop everything to be with him.

I forget how just last year he was diagnosed with a genetic disease and how I promised to spend as much quality time with him as I could. I forgot about how I wanted to mold him. Forgot about how he needed my attention to grow.

So I'm not knocking the idea of "me time" for moms. I sneak in my daily run in the hot South Carolina sun, or my occasional Publix run just like the next! I think alone time for women is essential. But I think as moms, and dads too, we have to realize that our time is really not our own. We have little people that want in on that time as well.

For me, I think it comes in realizing that I can, in fact, have both "me time", and "we time". If I wake up early enough, I can have a few hours of quiet time to read, or write, or just sit and ominously plot the future. If I want to exercise, I can take Carter with me on his new scooter I got for $3.93 at Goodwill. And sometimes when I feel like I'm longing for community, longing to connect, I have a blossoming little man in the other room, that would love nothing more than to spend some time with his mom.

So I think today I'll enjoy these few minutes of time when he's sleeping, and when he wakes up, I'll look him right in the face and remember what one of my greatest life's missions is- to raise him. 

Sometimes I get so caught up in what I want to be, that I chase a dream, rather than living the one right in front of me. It's so hard to be a mom. It's so full of balance. But as we balance, let's always remember that we only get a few years with our kids, and try to make the best of that time with them. Giving them our best selves and time and efforts, not what's left over.