I have a parenting fear. Well, if I had to be honest, parenting is one of my greatest fears, if you haven't already picked that up. It's scary to think that I, (beautiful, crazy, unstable I) should have the responsibility of building a tiny human. I guess that is true for all of us though. No one completely has their lives together and we are all works in progress. Under construction, if you will.
One of my greatest fears is that I will raise a selfish child. I have had no shortage of reasons to spoil my son lately. In January 2014 he spent ten days in the hospital and was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that causes bone marrow failure called Fanconi Anemia, henceforth referred to as FA. We grappled with the diagnosis all last year and then in October, we were given the opportunity to take a Make-A-Wish trip to Miami. We were able to meet the Miami Hurricanes and spend ample time with them. Carter was also on the news several times and pretty much had fifteen minutes of fame in Miami. Following that, we were in the hospital for about two months and he underwent a bone marrow transplant. We were VERY well taken care of by our friends, family, church family, Miami fans and had tons of support. Carter received a lot of gifts during this time as well.
So basically, over the past few months, things have been brewing. It's been hard not to spoil Carter. He is my only son and to learn that this diagnosis could possibly change his future has been no less than life-altering for his father and I.
Still, despite all of this, I am determined to not raise a spoiled child. I will not raise a child who feels like his life is unfair, or that he got the short end of the stick. I will not allow him to be bogged down in pity for himself, because honestly, I think that would be a complete waste of his time and potential.
So that brings me to yesterday. We were at my mom's house. She kept Carter for me yesterday so I could go to work. Before I left for work, I told him not to ask her to buy him anything, since I knew she would be taking him to the store. One way or another, when I came to pick him up, grandma had given him a nice bag of goodies. Grandparents don't seem to be on the same page as parents when it comes to not spoiling their kids. Carter had some Gushers and when his aunt (Maddie, 9) and uncle (Jackson, 6) reached in the bag for a pack, Carter freaked out. He was upset that they were taking his snacks and rushed to the pantry to show them that they had their own snacks. Then he went upstairs to sulk after I refused to defend his cause.
I went up there to talk to him about his strong desire to not share his snacks with the children of the person who had actually given him the snacks in the first place (kid logic. Often flawed). He proceeded to tell me that it was unfair and that he has a bad life because he has FA. That seems to be a line he doles out a lot lately. Understandably, but, I digress.
This doesn't sit well with me. Let me tell you why. First of all, in America, we are blessed. Even the poorest of us are blessed. We drip blessings and spoil our kids with flat screens, video games, and all the disgusting red dye #5 and orange cheese powder they can stand. We have to be aware of this. Somehow in all the little blessings we bestow on our children, they lose sight of how good they really have it. Even Carter with his new health diagnosis STILL has it better than many, many children in this world. His bone marrow transplant went amazing. He spends his days playing basketball with his friends.
I took Carter home and on the way we passed a homeless man who has made himself a structure to live in by the side of the road. Carter has remarked on his house a few times. Asking who lives there and why, and even asking if we could help him. I bit the bullet and pulled over. We put a few of the snacks from grandma, some cash, a book, a deck of cards, and anything else in the car that looked appealing in the bag. Then we walked over and set it under his home. A tarp draped between two trees with cardboard floors and cushions.
I've been thinking a lot about the values I want to bestow on my son. I want him to be generous. To be a giver. I'm not really 100% sure how to go about that, but I want to find out. I want to pursue generosity in our home. One thing I've been thinking is to start giving him an allowance and have him set some of it aside to give to others. He can choose what he wants to give the money to and as long as it's something for another and not himself. If he earns money on his own, I want to stop buying things for him at his desire, and allow him to save for it. Then maybe he will learn the value of money and that possessions don't just pop up when he wants them. I also want to get him involved in more service projects. At the time, we are slightly limited by where we can go, but there's no reason why he can't reach out to help others from a distance. The whole point of it is this- Life is not meant to be lived for yourself. When you pursue your own happiness you end up still wanting. Time and time again. You can't get enough possessions to fill the void within you that even a simple friendship could fill. Life is meant to be lived outwardly, and when we spoil our kids, we make the mistake of teaching them that life is all about them.
The thing that I'm most aware of when I reflect on this is my own level of generousity and how it's gotten lower over the past few years. I think when you feel threatened, or feel as if something is going to be possibly taken away from you, you become less generous. You become protective of yourself and your security. Whether it's money problems, health problems, or relationship problems, when you feel like you yourself are lacking, it can be hard to think about giving. But I think generousity comes when we realize what we do have instead of being worried about what we can lose. We realize that there is a lot we can do to help others, and instead of just thinking about it, we do it.
I need to be a more generous person, so my son can look to me as an example. That's my goal. Wish me luck!
