Why "ME" Isn't Working

Can I make a confession?

I'm selfish. 

I really try to think about others. I try to think of other people's needs more than my own. I realized something last night. I really really love,

ME.

But I'm not happy with this budding romance. Because the more I love me, the less I love others. The more I love myself, the less I am able to love my husband and son. Let me make an example. 


I love my alone time. I also love to do what I want to do. Because I love me! When my son comes in and wants to play something with me, sometimes I get irritated with him. Because he is six, and he is crazy. He is exactly what I would be like if you re-made me into a child all over again. Like a Jessie x10. So he is jumping on my back, and he is trying to force his way onto my lap. Because he wants my attention. There are times when I want MY peace and MY quiet and if MAMA isn't happy then NOBODY'S happy.

But I. Hate. That.

Let me give you another example.

My husband is a man. I am not. Therefore our brain waves are sometimes on two completely different levels. He comes home tired and frustrated and wants to be alone or is quiet. I have had a bad day and since I am his WIFE, he should spend time with ME, right?! So yes! I'm totally justified in this anger! I feel wronged! And then again, it is all about me, right?

Hate. It.

Because something I've realized is that when you make it about YOU it just can't be about anyone else.

When all you do and all you think is YOU all the time, there isn't a chance for others, or even, for God.

I guess this is what Jesus meant when he said “If you want to come with me, you must forget yourself, take up your cross every day, and follow me." (Luke 9:23).

Man that Jesus is smart.

BUT! I can't follow Jesus if I don't forget about ME. Because as Rick Warren said so famously, "It's not about YOU." If it was about me and my motives I would say, "forget my enemies! Those jerks!" Meanwhile Jesus is looking at me like, "really? Have I not shown you the best way?"

Now don't get me wrong, we all have rights. We all deserve love. The funny thing is. While we are fighting to be loved and to feel worthy, we have been all along.

Look at these two verses..

"Long before he(that's God) laid down earth’s foundations, he had US in mind, had settled on US as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love."Ephesians 1

"For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him(that's God) and finds its purpose in him." Colossians 1:17

We have already been loved by God, even before we were ever born. Our purposes are found in him. When we are joined together with Jesus and made right with God, we can begin to live a life of self DENYING, instead of self indulging.

But you know what I've found.

That is the life I was born to live.

Because when I try to please ME, no one ends up happy. Not even ME. I just make a big fuss and hope I will be heard. But, when I put my energy into loving and serving others, and caring for their needs, it has a trickle down affect.

For example.

If I deny myself and love my son like I know Jesus wants me to, I'll find the time to do things with him because I know HE needs it.

If I deny myself the emotional reactions I think I'm allowed to have for any and every reason, and chose instead to "bear with my spouse out of love", like I know Jesus would want me to, then our marriage will be a more peaceful place.

Another thing I must confess is that my motives are awful at times! I do things to get things, for you guessed it...ME! (I think there is a pattern going here...) I do this to earn your love, or I do that to earn your goodness, when I should just love because that is the life of Christ. "A new command I give you, love one another as I have loved you." John 13:34

These are just some thoughts that I've been thinking on over the past day. The Christian life is a process of acknowledging where we have chosen to walk in the flesh instead of Jesus' awesome ways, repenting, and letting the love and mercy of God help us grow.

Thanks for reading.
Jessie